#noragrets?

There are days where I wonder about the what-ifs in life.

I think everyone probably has had one moment where they wished they had done something about a certain situation, or maybe they regretted doing something. Well we all have our regrets and we deal with them in various ways. I personally feel that I've dealt with mine relatively ok? But on hindsight, this particular regret of mine was more of an unsettled business, if I may call it so.

It's going to be strange talking about this at this point in time right now, and I'm pretty sure if anyone reads this (not like anyone actually does, lol) they would probably think I'm some *inserts female-shaming word* for "moving on" too quickly. Point is, this happened before my break up, so... whatevs. I guess this post suits the V-day theme relatively well ah hahahahahahaha.

SO basically there was this guy that I had a hugeass crush on when we first met back end 2012? LOL NO PROPS to guessing who he is HAHA. He was a friend of a friend and when I first saw him I was like "eh quite cute" LOL. We started talking then and he was a really nice guy, and he was into the stuff I was into, without being like super pretentious and judgmental and all, like he legit was also liking the same shit I was back then. We were both 18, fresh out of IB/A levels and all, looking for internships/jobs to pass time before Uni for me, NS for him. So yeah we were just using FBMsgs to talk and for some reason I always receive numbers but seldom asked for my number LOL but I digress. We met up again for my best friend's (and our other friends') final theatre showcase and then talked even more?

Okay fast forward -- I guess I had a legit crush on him for awhile but it initially it was more of an....eye candy kinda thing? The thrill of making a new friend who is your eye candy somehow stirs up all this weird shit inside you HAHA but yeah at that point in time I never really wanted to like be his girlfriend or anything. It was just really fun talking to him and we are very similar characters I guess. We basically got closer and went out quite a lot between 2013 to 2014. I was even his date for a few events in army (which I never really had any suspicion about because I figured I was probably the closest girl friend he had at the point in time or something, idk haha)

But yeah, I go out with a lot of my guy friends, 1-1 or in a group. It doesn't really matter to me because they are my bros, and a lot of my guy friends treat me like a guy LOL. And when you know, when you liked someone, you'll usually get these weird feelings in your chest and stomach? At least 90% of the time I get that feeling before I meet him. And to be very honest, he's the only one that made me feel like that 99% of the time before I met him to hang out. IZ and G did make me feel like that, but not as immensely as he did. Strange huh. I'm not saying you should just who you like solely by what kind of feelings they give you obviously, but I think it's important that they make you feel a certain way...? Idk if i'm making sense but yeah haha.

I guess we started drifting apart when I got really busy with school work + hall + dance + work and he with pro-term towards the end of 2014. So we kind of drifted apart but I guess I was sort of too busy to realize that. Looking back on the conversations we had, I realized that it really was because of that -- and also because I THINK I felt a little bit bored of our conversations as well on text? I prefer meeting him in person more than texting him sometimes, maybe? It was quite long ago so I can't exactly remember everything haha.

So yes, 2015 was a blank mostly and the last time I saw him was one day after his 21st, which I couldn't go for because of CNY visitations and dance practices. Before that I saw him once after both us postponing so many times because of our schedules. I remember my heart pumping pretty fast and having butterflies in my stomach just before heading down to his car before we went for supper, and when I opened the car door I literally squealed his name and gave him a big hug because I was SO happy to see him haha. But I digress...

We never really spoke again since he found out I was sort of seeing someone. At that point in time when I told him, I wasn't sure if he was upset or whatever bc I felt he just wasn't interested in me?? But yeah. My mom shipped the both of us A LOT (LOL) when we went out often over the past two years. I guess it never really occurred to me that he may like me -- I'm the kind of person that never knows until the person says explicitly so himself haha.

We didn't really talk at all, only occasionally when he'd pop up (be it via social media or IRL) whenever I had fights with G. Strange, isn't it, how life gives you weird ass signals. It's always those kind of timings when I think about him and wish that we didn't drift apart. When I broke up with G, I saw him again at my workplace within the same week (ya coincidence again huh). And we hugged, pretty normal greeting between us -- and we both agreed to meet before I fly, me leaving in 1.5 weeks time.

Plot twist coming soon haha. Since I was going to his school to pick up something from a shop, I figured might as well meet there. We met over drinks and just went about catching up. Again, when I saw him emerging from wherever he was -- I had those feelings again. So I wanted to confess that I had a crush on him but I DONT KNOW WHY I couldn't bring myself to (past experiences really shapes who you are) and yeah I didn't. I, however, managed to muster up the courage after having a few drinks that night LOL that I had a huge crush on him last time (and tried to laugh it off) and yeah. He was shocked to say the least, and he asked when, and I told him like it was probably from mid 2013 onwards to almost the entire 2014. And guess what?

He told me he felt the same way about me too.

WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

WE WERE BOTH BASICALLY TOO SCARED TO ADMIT OUR FEELINGS TO ONE ANOTHER OMFG

It's like seriously, if I had gotten together with him, I wouldnt be in the shit I was in (not saying my r/s was complete shitty, I really loved G a lot and I have wonderful memories of us), and like I dont know what would've happened???

Ok la but then again, we were so young, 19/20, and not knowing anything much about relationships...

Well, I realized that I had nothing to lose, so why not just asked what he thought about us in the future, and his reply was quite pleasant :-) I'm just glad he thinks of me (and I, him) and that he really treasures our friendship a lot. I felt bad because I feel like I've hurt him unknowingly, and he felt bad because of the same reason too HAHA we really are too alike sometimes.

So I'm here in Sweden typing this now, and I am still keeping in touch with him :-) We facetimed just last week and I, for strange reasons unbeknownst to me, I become all giggly again, just like 2013/14 whenever I'm with him.

Yeah, so this is probably one of the biggest regrets I've had -- not taking the chance when it presented itself. But yeah, who knows what might happen then or in the future right? For all we know, not taking that chance just showed us we weren't ready at the time, or we weren't good for each other then.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying that I'm over G yet. If you really need to know, I would say right now I'm >50% over it all already? But there are times where my mind and body drifts towards him and it can get quite painful. I still haven't looked at all our past stuff together but once I'm ready, I will.

I have it a little easier - I have a completely new environment to help mend my heart. I tell myself now,  ever since this happened, that I have to take chances and live life with no regrets.


(p.s. my mom knew I met him the other day and she was VERY happy LOL. obv i didn't tell her about this situation because she would probably flip and tell me off haha)

Absolutely toxic

I cannot believe that I've ignored all the signs. I cannot believe I let love blind me. 

You are seriously a fuckboy wtf I cannot even with myself anymore, that's absolutely disgusting; and as much as I say i have no regrets at all, but I can't help but still feel so upset and affected and I know I shouldn't be.

I guess I should really stop responding and stop talking to you already. It's going to be difficult but that's the only way I can preserve whatever good that's left in my mind/memory of you. I don't want to convince myself to regret anything that has happened between us but if communicating with you is going to worsen it then I'd rather cut it all off as much as it hurts. 

Get yourself together Chloe you are BETTER than this. You leave all of this behind tomorrow!

- p e r s p e c t i v e -

Met up with the wonderful rubybooby and updated her on my life/situation/status regarding you, and our conversation put things into perspective and reaffirmed my thoughts towards it all

I just have to keep reminding myself that you're not exactly in love with me, neither do you actually miss me. You probably, right now, judging from what you've said, just miss the idea of me, miss having me, miss having someone with you. You miss a body, and not me as a person. A tangibility and not the actual existence.

Your ego probably cannot take the fact that someone has chosen -- and actually did -- walk out on/away from you, and if I were to ever get back with you (never) you would be the one who would break up with me in the end because you don't want to lose. It's really an ego thing, is it not?

*also unrelated: the very fact that you don't have female friends is a sign in itself that I only realized now. LOL. It is as if you treat women (outside familial relations) as either to-fuck, to-be-in-a-relationship with, or nothing. There is no such thing as "platonic friendships". And that right there everybody, is the sign of an MCP Alpha Male. Ladies beware!!!!!

Harsh?

Maybe it is just an assumption, maybe you really did love me.
But i was not perfect for you, despite all your insistent claims.
And I never will be.

But you know what's perfect?

I'm fine with it.

I don't deserve you. I deserve someone better.