Always.

I just felt that I had to post this, just to get this off my chest. To convince myself that this is real.

I love you so much. I really, really do. Maybe, deep down inside, I love you, because you’re bad for me. Being bad always feels good right? The mind is willing but the flesh is weak.

I love you so much that I now feel bad for making you go through all that “for me to be happy”. Yes I do feel that your fault was in not being honest with me on what you truly felt about this situation. Like I said before, WHY couldn't you have told me how you truly felt about my religion? Why couldn't you have given me the answer I needed to leave? If you knew all along that this was never going to work out, why did you still force this? Why didn’t you let me go? It’s always less painful to know the harsh truth than be lied to.

But it is also a bit of my fault for putting you through all this. Because if you love someone, you shouldn’t force them to change for you. Only the person should realize negative things and change happens inside, on the person’s own accord. You can’t be changed by someone else. You should be loved for who you are.

You said I always come across as if I have the moral high ground, and that I place your values as lower and all that. Truthfully, I did not mean it that way. You know how much I am all for agreeing to disagree, for crediting people’s opinions.

But I guess, the only reason why it came across to you that way was because I was trying to change you, into being someone I want, and someone that you aren’t. As much as I said I don’t ‘pressure’ people into religion, perhaps I failed to see that I was indirectly doing that to you subtly.

And for that, I am really sorry.

I am also sorry; because I cannot be the girl you want me to be. I cannot accept being with someone that shares a different faith. I did mention before that my faith is what shapes me as a person — my beliefs, my values, my perspectives, they all make me into person you claim to love. But then you say that you can love me, but not my religion? I don’t understand. To me, you saying that means you’ve never loved me in my entirety. How I’ve loved you, and tried to unconditionally love you, was an extension of how my God loved me. And although I’m not a perfect Christian, my faith is something that defines me. You just cannot separate the two.

I realize that having the same upbringing, sharing the same values and perspectives are so important in a relationship. That is something that we’ve tried to have with each other, but sadly failed.

With that said, I don’t want you to be unhappy anymore. I don’t want you to feel pressured into being someone you’re not. You deserve better. You deserve someone who accepts you the way you are, and someone who doesn’t mind your perspectives. And likewise for me. Relationships come and go (as you have also experienced for yourself) but my faith is something that's been with me for even longer and will stay with me after any relationship ends. I feel that I shouldn't have to compromise that unwavering value for something that is potentially temporal.

I love you so much, that is why I have to let you go. 

And as much as it pains me so fucking much to do this, here are the things I want and hope for you:

I want you to be happy. I want someone else to know the hands I’ve held, to know the warmth of your embrace, and to feel the way I did when I was with. I want you to love the next person more than you ever loved me; I want you to be more selfless with her than you ever were with me and to treat her like the queen she is. And if I ever see you with her, it will definitely hurt to know she is being loved by someone so charming, selfless, patient and understanding, but I know she will make you happier than I ever did.

I want you to know how incredibly happy you made me although you really hurt me. I have, and will continuously treasure every single memory I have of you, all the firsts I’ve had with you, and I don’t regret anything at all. I don’t ever want you to feel that it is your fault that things happened the way it did. I guess it was inevitable.

I want us to remain friends. Obviously, that may be difficult for you because you don’t believe in platonic friendship. But the thought of losing you completely is really so painful. We don’t have to talk everyday; it is impossible of course. Just don’t erase me from your life completely. Please, don’t be a stranger.

Finally and most importantly, I pray that God will continue to bless you and prosper you in everything you do. And that one day, you will see the blessings that he has done not just for you, but for the many people around you. I hope and pray, that one day, you will get to know Him, and love Him as much, or even more than I do.

Thank you, for showing me how to love again. You are by far my greatest love. I am not over you, and I’m afraid I may never get over you, but thank you for showing me what it’s like to love and be loved even just for a short amount of time. Thank you for showing me that I’m capable of giving everything for someone. Whatever I used to have in me, you have it now.

Even though I have now become (my worst fear — as I’ve predicted in April) another number on your list, I just want you to know that I have, and I will always love you for the rest of my life.

With all my heart,

Chloe.