Majulah.

This week marks the second week I've stopped crying. Which is definitely a good thing, I guess.

There are definitely still times where my mind can't help but drift towards you -- even though I surround myself with people I've not seen in a long time for catch up, my friends and family... conversations will sometimes shift towards you, us.

You texted me the other night and I was feeling rather indignant because I just cannot get over how anyone can be so ridiculous in attributing something to something that is completely irrelevant??

How can you say you love me and you're willing to /i quote/ "DO ANYTHING" for me when you clearly will not? It's super contradicting and it makes absolute NO sense. I have no idea why I even bothered entertaining your thoughts.

I'm pretty lazy to type everything out here and since this blog's pretty much my personal one because no one reads this LOL I am just gonna make a reference for myself for when I read this post again:

conversation on Sunday 3 January 2016, 4am onwards

You were definitely in a worse position than I was -- it was basically the very same position I was in when I first initiated the break up. You asked why I sounded like I'm over it, so nonchalant -- tbh I was really trying to be strong and I WANTED to be over it. 

To be honest, if someone were to ask me if I miss you, I'd answer yes without hesitation. But if someone were to ask me NOW if I still love you, I wouldn't know what my answer would be, not for sure at least. It would most probably be a hesitant yes, but even then. I'm not sure anymore. And I'm glad I'm not sure of whether I do or not.

HA, I may say that now but I can guarantee that when you find someone else, it'll hurt like a bitch still. And if it doesn't, I've moved on legit. It's just like how I took like a good 6-8 months to get over IZ (a guy i used to date for awhile -- I guess you can count him as my real first love LOL) and like after a year he didn't matter anymore. I could look back on the good times we had and smile, and not tear up at both good and bad memories. Pain is just a consequence of love after all right? It's something everyone risks when they choose to love.

But yeah, that's not something I can do with you now, definitely not. Sometimes my mind just revisits our good memories, or I come across photos (a lot of them mind you) of us when I'm looking for something in my camera roll. It sucks, and for some reason I just cannot bring myself to hate you, even though I feel like I should. I was initially so angry and extremely upset at how things became the way they are, but I'm not anymore. It's more of a resigned, sad feeling I feel nowadays.

Looking introspectively, I always build up a stupid wall because the last thing I want people to think of me is that I'm weak. I put up a front and make it seem as if everything is okay, but inside I'm beating myself up like mad. I guess that's why I'm really looking forward to my my upcoming exchange; it would definitely help in this entire process of moving on, and finding myself again. I seem to have lost myself, lost my way, lost whatever sense of being I had recently. I'm not sure what exactly to attribute it to, but I know that I've been drifting. I want to go back to what I love doing, and appreciating - Art, Music, Literature... whatever it is.

I will get myself back on track, I will get over this and I'll move forward, and onward.
I will be better. 

FCKBY92

It's only after you lose someone that you realize that you're truly better off without them. 

I think, and I know, that I will be, and am, better off without you in my life. 

Now all that's left is reminding and convincing myself that that's what it is. 

2K16

Happy New Year everyone :-)  

I think the new year really helped push me forward -- to move on and to become a better person.

2015 has been an interesting year of firsts, of hard work, of love and of loss. I've grown so much as a person, discovering more about the world, about myself -- knowing that I am a strong woman and I'm capable of anything as long as I put my mind to it. I've met many new people, but lost some as well. But it's okay, by celebrating each ending we embrace new beginnings, and I'm thankful for everyone who stuck with me and my eccentricities.

I guess I'm still learning to live life with no regrets, reminding myself that every experience is something gained, a lesson learnt. Don't look back on yesterday, on what could've been, but focus on the now, to be in the moment, and on all that lies ahead.

So 2016, Bring it. I can't wait to see what you have in store for me, I know it's going to be good. 

22 December.

Today marks one year of knowing you.

I met you today, but it was a coincidence that it coincided with this day. I didn't realize until I got home much later (lol)

I thought I was ready and strong enough to "spend a day" with you, but I guess maybe not. 

So many things happened over the day that made me fight against my tears. It was so difficult having to hold you and pretend like it never happened. It also was so difficult having to hold you and to know that we did happen, and that we can never have again what we used to. 

I've stopped crying for a week now. That's pretty good. But being with you today brought back nothing but good memories. Too good that they became painful, unbearably and excrutiatingly painful. 

I mean, I always knew - and my mom always told me when I look back at all the tears I've shed, it would make me laugh, but she never told me and I never knew that looking back on the laughs would make me cry...

How can you unlove someone? How can you bring yourself to not even hate - but to be indifferent to the person? 

I could tell, that you were trying to still keep distance, but there were times where you forgot and you let yourself close to me again. 

I don't know how I'm going to continue this. Maybe it was a wrong decision to meet, but I sure as hell needed to see you again. 

-

I come home late into the night. 

As I lay on my bed I start to think whether my recent decisions have been sound or not. 

What is stopping me from completely letting go? As much as I want to, it is so hard. 

His every little touch, which has now become sparser than water in the desert  still makes me long for more. 

and I can't have that with him anymore.

I can't have it with anyone else. 

Whatever happened today at work made me feel helpless. And yet when I saw you I could tell, you didn't want to touch me. 

I was a virus. 

And I'll only continue to be until the both of us forget. 

I don't really get drunk. In fact, I don't think I've ever gotten so drunk to the point where I blacked out.

But I definitely get pretty "high", seh, tipsy, whatever you call it. 

And I sure as hell did, after some beer and 3 glasses of wine and a bit of Martel...

To the point where I "drunk"-texted/called you to get me because I missed you so fucking much and I just needed to see you again. 

And you did. You came all the way down to get me, even though I changed my mind and told you not to, leading to rather unfortunate stuff happening despite me trying to stop it.

It's pretty pathetic huh. I was the one who initiated all of this because I couldn't help it. The only person I wanted was you and I destroyed what we had. I chose not to be yours anymore for the better of the two of us. 

But it still hurts. 

So fucking much. 

#ZOUKOUT2K15

So tired from the past two days of work -

In other news, i feel slightly better. Maybe because it happened so recently that my body/heart went into shock and made me numb towards the pain, to the point it felt like it happened "so long ago".

I don't know when the pain will hit me again,

When I saw him today, all I could think about was how much I missed him, and what would have happened if we were still together - or what would've have happened if I complied to his request.

But anyway, I managed to get my mind off things because I slept for 17 hours straight haha from 10am to 3am and I only woke up because I was hungry?! Going back to sleep now... well deserved sleep indeed :-)

*side note: guys are gross i hate it when people try to fucking hit on me. went into the festival just to have a look see and party a bit and 3 guys came up to me like wtf fuckboys go away dont touch me!!!

All that we need is a reason to fight because we are the strong ones

Itisw
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ngbu
tistil
lwa
ntto

sometimes i wish i didn't succumb to sexists/societal ideals about women.
it's hard to not stereotype

"You feminists"

Since when has being a feminist become something people shy away from? 

Why is feminism / being a feminist seen as something radical, sensitive, overreacting?

Can someone remind me what day and age we are living in currently? 

Why is it that people still perceive gender equality as bullshit, as something that shouldn't happen so women can be kept in their place? 

Why are some men such MCPs? 

---

Why have I ignored all the signs?

-

We kill ourselves in our way;
some choose to smoke cigarettes
some choose to drown in alcohol
some choose to slit their skin
some choose to immerse in inhibition -

I chose the wrong love.

Always.

I just felt that I had to post this, just to get this off my chest. To convince myself that this is real.

I love you so much. I really, really do. Maybe, deep down inside, I love you, because you’re bad for me. Being bad always feels good right? The mind is willing but the flesh is weak.

I love you so much that I now feel bad for making you go through all that “for me to be happy”. Yes I do feel that your fault was in not being honest with me on what you truly felt about this situation. Like I said before, WHY couldn't you have told me how you truly felt about my religion? Why couldn't you have given me the answer I needed to leave? If you knew all along that this was never going to work out, why did you still force this? Why didn’t you let me go? It’s always less painful to know the harsh truth than be lied to.

But it is also a bit of my fault for putting you through all this. Because if you love someone, you shouldn’t force them to change for you. Only the person should realize negative things and change happens inside, on the person’s own accord. You can’t be changed by someone else. You should be loved for who you are.

You said I always come across as if I have the moral high ground, and that I place your values as lower and all that. Truthfully, I did not mean it that way. You know how much I am all for agreeing to disagree, for crediting people’s opinions.

But I guess, the only reason why it came across to you that way was because I was trying to change you, into being someone I want, and someone that you aren’t. As much as I said I don’t ‘pressure’ people into religion, perhaps I failed to see that I was indirectly doing that to you subtly.

And for that, I am really sorry.

I am also sorry; because I cannot be the girl you want me to be. I cannot accept being with someone that shares a different faith. I did mention before that my faith is what shapes me as a person — my beliefs, my values, my perspectives, they all make me into person you claim to love. But then you say that you can love me, but not my religion? I don’t understand. To me, you saying that means you’ve never loved me in my entirety. How I’ve loved you, and tried to unconditionally love you, was an extension of how my God loved me. And although I’m not a perfect Christian, my faith is something that defines me. You just cannot separate the two.

I realize that having the same upbringing, sharing the same values and perspectives are so important in a relationship. That is something that we’ve tried to have with each other, but sadly failed.

With that said, I don’t want you to be unhappy anymore. I don’t want you to feel pressured into being someone you’re not. You deserve better. You deserve someone who accepts you the way you are, and someone who doesn’t mind your perspectives. And likewise for me. Relationships come and go (as you have also experienced for yourself) but my faith is something that's been with me for even longer and will stay with me after any relationship ends. I feel that I shouldn't have to compromise that unwavering value for something that is potentially temporal.

I love you so much, that is why I have to let you go. 

And as much as it pains me so fucking much to do this, here are the things I want and hope for you:

I want you to be happy. I want someone else to know the hands I’ve held, to know the warmth of your embrace, and to feel the way I did when I was with. I want you to love the next person more than you ever loved me; I want you to be more selfless with her than you ever were with me and to treat her like the queen she is. And if I ever see you with her, it will definitely hurt to know she is being loved by someone so charming, selfless, patient and understanding, but I know she will make you happier than I ever did.

I want you to know how incredibly happy you made me although you really hurt me. I have, and will continuously treasure every single memory I have of you, all the firsts I’ve had with you, and I don’t regret anything at all. I don’t ever want you to feel that it is your fault that things happened the way it did. I guess it was inevitable.

I want us to remain friends. Obviously, that may be difficult for you because you don’t believe in platonic friendship. But the thought of losing you completely is really so painful. We don’t have to talk everyday; it is impossible of course. Just don’t erase me from your life completely. Please, don’t be a stranger.

Finally and most importantly, I pray that God will continue to bless you and prosper you in everything you do. And that one day, you will see the blessings that he has done not just for you, but for the many people around you. I hope and pray, that one day, you will get to know Him, and love Him as much, or even more than I do.

Thank you, for showing me how to love again. You are by far my greatest love. I am not over you, and I’m afraid I may never get over you, but thank you for showing me what it’s like to love and be loved even just for a short amount of time. Thank you for showing me that I’m capable of giving everything for someone. Whatever I used to have in me, you have it now.

Even though I have now become (my worst fear — as I’ve predicted in April) another number on your list, I just want you to know that I have, and I will always love you for the rest of my life.

With all my heart,

Chloe.

The Hard Truth

Relationships come and go, but my faith is something that's been with me for even longer and will stay with me after any relationship ends. 

I shouldn't have to compromise that unwavering value for something that is potentially temporal.

And with that, I've made my decision. 

Is it worth it?

Well it looks like I've been away for like 5 months LOL. I guess I only come back here when I need to vent some frustrations out. What's new right it's obviously about the same issue. My life is so boring.

We recently celebrated our birthdays together. I was happy. He was happy (I think). We were happy.
And now today, he tells me he doesn't want to go (to church). I don't know whether to be angry or not.

It's like, you know how much religion is to me. Then why aren't you trying to understand me? It's like...I've lost more than I should. And he gained everything. When it should be a win-win situation. It shouldn't be this way right? 

Sometimes I feel like it's never going to work out. And that I'm holding on to a hope that will not be fulfilled. If I tell him that, he'll just tell me to "try" to make it work. But you know what, he is the one that should be trying. Not me.

Or maybe I'm not trying hard enough? I'm not the kind that will shove religion down someone's throat. I don't like it at all tbh. But I think in this case, I have to fight for what I want. And I think that this is the only way for me to figure out if what we have is worth it or not.

To see if he is worth it or not.

Good things come to those who wait? I don't think so. It's sad that it has come to this situation tbh.

He promised he'll go to church for the next 6 months. But I doubt. They say time will tell, but I'm not sure how much time I'm willing to sacrifice.

-

Tbh, I don't know why I'm feeling like this nowadays. 

I remember writing in this space awhile ago about how love isn't just something you feel (momentarily), but a decision. 

Right now, many people have asked what the status between the both of us are (still dating; we're unofficial), how we're working out, whether I see a future for us. 

You know, I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing, but my answer to that last question is: I don't know. I don't know whether I see a future. 

"Then why are you dating him?"I love him enough to be with him? Is that a good reason enough? It was my decision to be with him? Is that good enough too? 

I'm very cautious when it comes to love and relationships. I don't give my heart away so easily. That's why with him, it was surprising, unexpected, different. I'm not sure whether it's my phase of life that encouraged the fruition of this relationship too, which is a problem.

If I didn't let myself fall, would i still have fallen? 

It's been 6 months since we've started dating. I would say it's has been rather smooth sailing. Yes there were definitely some issues here and there that have been brought out of the spiderweb-filled closet and tried to be resolved (only time can tell) but otherwise we're fine.

However at this point of time especially recently I've just been noticing how maybe he isn't right for me. By right for me I mean in terms of personality and values. Sounds like a really big issue huh. 

I realized how it has gotten to a stage where he snaps at me as if I'm dumb. He's someone who's slow to anger unlike me who gets annoyed (not angry) pretty easily - but at the same time easily getting over a lot of things. 

I feel like maybe he's too immature in terms of understanding how to handle girls and our complexities too...there were so many things that happened that really made me SMH

Like seriously, are boys THAT dumb and clueless?!?!?! Surely given his past he should know how to handle girls right?!  But no, he doesn't. 

You know, then again I would want to think it is my fault for expecting too much but a lot of things are pretty clear cut...

Also personality - I'm highly extroverted whereas he's on the fence. Naturally introverted and only extroverted after a couple of drinks lol. I like seeing his extraversion. It's probably what drew me to him in the first place.

Ironically the extraversion comes out in texts or online. But IRL it's super mellowed down, which is strange. Sometimes I would just not talk just to see what would happen but instead of bringing up things to talk about he'll just keep quiet 70-80% of the time. I can't possibly be talking non stop right? Isn't communication one of the keys in relationship?! Why aren't you talking to me??? Am I honestly THAT boring?!

And sometimes the way he says things and puts things across makes me seem like I'm very angry person or a very unreasonable person. Which I am not. I understand that you're a very logical analytical thinking individual but you don't need to make it seem like I'm dumb/wrong and you're right all the time. 

Thoughts

I think it's really sad how people fall so easily. Fall in love. Fall to temptation (and yet they think that there's nothing wrong with it). 

Many people have ideas of "The One" and wanting to "Do It" with "The One". 
Tbh, I don't think that "The One" exists. Think about it, if X was meant for you and X fucks up and marries Y (who was meant to be with Z) then the whole chain of events will just be screwed up right?

I believe that the one is meant to be when you MAKE the person "The One", and you yourself become that One for your SO. A relationship takes work, takes effort, and takes a lot of things. You both have to work towards being each others' Ones. Work towards being the right one for each other.

I would say Love isn't just something you feel, or an emotion. It's a noun and it's a verb for a reason. You act on it. Love in itself is a choice. It's such a simple yet complex word, isn't it? 

Love is waking up falling in love with the same person every day. Love is CHOOSING to fall in love with that person every day. I truly believe in the act of choice when it comes to loving someone, for it is easier to not love someone at all.

Love lasts about seven years. That’s how long it takes for the cells of the body to totally replace themselves.

Love is suffering with that person, choosing to go through struggles together instead of playing the blame game, or leaving you (behind). Love is staying together no matter what.

Love is "You, We, Us". Love is never "I, Me, Myself". Love says "you are mine" and "I am yours".

Love is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (something I posted previously). 

Love is God. 
God is Love. 

Love is sacrificial.

-----------------

I think saving yourself for someone special is a good thing. Saving yourself for marriage is another thing. 

There will always be someone special in your life. It can be now, or later, or whenever. But whether that person is gonna be with you for Life, that's really the question. 

People give It up for that special person in their lives thinking that they'll be together forever, but end up going separate ways. Isn't that sad?

I've seen one too many of this situation happening amongst my friends and it's really heartbreaking...it just shows how fragile relationships are, and that you really can never be sure about this kind of thing. Don't let emotions run everything. Think.

Many people I've talked to (Christian and non-Christian) believe that previous experiences, decisions, choices, mistakes, actions, make the person to who they are today. And no matter what happens, the past is the past and you can't change that.

If you really love someone, you'll have to forgive that person for past wrongdoings and love the person for who he/she is regardless. 

---------------------------

I'm sorry for the very much disjointed post, it's just my thoughts and all that are jumbled up, it's 04:20 in the morning right now lol

I don't understand

Why things have to be so complicated
Why it is so difficult to just love someone purely
Why loving someone requires more than just the two;
that it involves everyone in the social circle.
Why we care so much about each other's past - or why we choose or can't help but to care

They say not to care, you can love who you want to
You can be with who you want to
But is it that simple?

I don't want anyone to tell me who to love, how to love
I'm sick and tired of having to adhere to a set of rules.

I just want to love, and be loved
Is it that difficult?

@_chloekay God is Love, but Satan does that thing you like with his tongue 23/4/15 5:54 pm

X

It started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

It was only a kiss.


It was only a kiss.

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned

Terribly.

I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake. (or maybe by choice. rebellion)